Pope Francis is 78 years old, but his humility, compassion, and jovial demeanor, has earned him the title of “The Coolest Pope of All Time.” Just when you thought he couldn’t get any cooler, the Holy Father announced today at his Wednesday General Audience that, last night, he had his first wet dream in 65 years and it was life-changing. In fact, the wet dream was so glorious that he has used his divine authority as Pope to declare that fornication is no longer a sin.

“What were we even thinking?” the Patriarch of the West asked rhetorically to the audience, all of whom were crying tears of joy, washing away all their years of Catholic guilt. “I’ve sat in that hot wooden box for years, heard you all confess the same sins over and over. Masturbation, fornication, adultery and lesbian porn! Now I know what the fuss was all about!”

The Servant of the Servants of Christ explained to the congregation that, until last light, his first and last wet dream was at age 13, after which he promptly decided to become a priest. “After that wet dream – Marylin Munroe’s back forming a Roman arch, her thick thighs wide open like the pearly gates, her holy of holies as wet as the river of Babylon – I was so disgusted with my subconscious that I remembered Zion, wept in repentance, and gave my entire life in service of the Lord Jesus Christ.”

Asked what was different about this wet dream, the Vicar of Christ said “well the woman, for one. Destra is one heaven of a woman!”

The wet dream did not occur without consequence. The Supreme Pontiff of The Universal Church has also made a number of landmark changes to Catholic moral teaching.

“Masturbation and fornication are no longer sinful. Adultery is only a sin for the first seven years of marriage after which I totally understand you wanting to experience coitus with fresh genitalia. I will also be applying an ex post facto reprieve for persons spending time in hell for sexual sins.They will all be set free and sent to heaven.

These things are now virtues worthy of heaven. I mean, it has to be a virtue. I’ve had the worst back ache for some 40 years now but after last night I feel so relieved! I think I can go for a walk or even a jog later.” The Primate of Italy then thought for a moment and changed his mind. “Actually, no jog. I think I found a much better way to spend my alone time.”