Examining your friends is an exciting, sometimes scary, part of entering adulthood (for a lot of people) where new friends get the opportunity to cast aside their nerdy, bedroom-wanking reputation with new mates, for something a bit less shit. But – shock, horror – sometimes people take liberties with the truth climb the greasy social status pole. So here’re are some of the top nonsense stories that freshers will tell about themselves to sound cool and set your bullshit-ometer screaming like a racist on a crowded bus.

That They’re A Stone Cold Ladies Man

“I’m telling ya bro, I dip my fingers in so much fanny I leave snail trail on anything I touch. But not with any of the girls here, mostly just with chicks back home, you wouldn’t know any of them. I’ll prove it by showing you their Facebook… yeah I’m not friends with them anymore, when I fucked her best mate in the arse she unfriended me.” What. A. Tosser.

That They Smoked Weed But It Had No Effect On Them

“Of course I smoked weed before. I only coughed when I inhaled just then cause I actually have a sore throat from smoking so much weed every day. I’m always stoned, especially in class, I didn’t give a fuck. Just going back to my room for a second, the sun hitting my face is really weirding me out.”

That They Got Kicked Out Of School

“I was a proper tearaway in my last school, not only was I the first one to lose his virginity but I used to smoke joints in the bathroom. Got caught one day and they weren’t going to expel me ’cause I have really high grades without trying but I called the principal a dick-suck-wanker-cunt and spat on his car so they had no choice. Everyone said school got boring after that.”

That They’re Someone Famous’s Cousin

“I’ve met loads of famous people, in fact, now keep this to yourself, but Jay Z is my cousin. I know my surname is Murphy, I’ve red hair and I’m white, but my mum is one 28th African, so ya know. Don’t tell anyone, not because it isn’t true but because I don’t want to brag about it.”

They Once Met Kanye West In A Lift And He Complimented Their Leather Jogging Shorts

“I was in Las Vegas for the UFC when I bumped into Kanye and Kim in the lift. I turned away from looking at her arse to spot Kanye checking out my duds. He just smiled and nodded then said ‘leather jogging shorts’ as if it was the answer to something. Then he just fist-bumped me and rolled out.”

That They Can Handle Their Drink Like A Pro

“Yeah, I’m a legend on the drink. I don’t rely on it give me the confidence to socialise because I’m socially anxious, I just enjoy it. Even when I pass out in a puddle of my own sick and piss in the SU, that’s just cause I’m a legend on the drink.”

That They Spent The Summer DJing In Ayia Napa

“What did you do last summer? You worked at Greggs? Well, that’s a bit gay. Me, I was working out in Ayia Napa, as a DJ, playing mostly underground stuff by David Guetta and Steve Aoki, made nearly 20k over the whole season but blew all on prossies and coke, ha. Did I play what? What’s a vinyl?”